Stopping a relapse

I thought I'd go a little off-piste from my plan for this blog this week, as this topic has been on my mind. I moved back to uni two weeks ago, and it's been a tricky transition. [Edit: I wrote this post a few weeks ago!] After 6 months of being at home and losing track of time, suddenly having to look after myself and organise my brain again has been quite jarring! For the first week back, I was happy, just suffering from a healthy dose of brain fog, feelings of overwhelm, and difficulty planning and executing sequences of actions. However, a few days ago I had a small relapse with a few different things after a very, very small trigger that wouldn't usually affect me this badly. (In hindsight, the scatterbrained-ness probably should have been a warning sign that something wasn't quite right, but I didn't spot it until it was too late!)

The last few days have been pretty tough. I've been extremely sleep deprived and a bit snowed under with work (our first tute needed a lot of prep, and we didn't have very long to do it in!), so dealing with a small relapse just added to it all. However, last night I decided that enough was enough: I'm going to stop this in its tracks! So this post is a little ramble about some things that I'm doing to mitigate problems as they arrive, and to get myself back on track. (P.S. This is general relapse advice, so not emetophobia specific - but is still very applicable to emetophobia relapses!)

How I stop a relapse in its tracks

Immediate actions

When you first realise "oh wait, this is a relapse", you'll potentially be in the throes of panic or a spiral of thoughts (I know I was!). So here are some things that I do immediately in that situation, to deal with those acute feelings:

1) Stop.

The first thing to do when you're spiralling is to just stop for a moment. Crying while still trying to do things so that you're not being 'unproductive'? That's a bad idea. I sat on my floor for a bit, and waited for the tears to stop. Deep breaths really help too!

If you've done that - good news, you've dealt with the immediate and acute effects of panic! Now you can start to think about the bigger picture.

2) Address and counteract immediate persistent thoughts (especially any keeping you awake, or away from tasks that you need to do).

I decided to make a list of balanced thoughts; rather than write down the negative thoughts (which I was worried might reinforce them), I tried to counteract each one. For example, rather than "I hate these massive flaws in my personality, but I just can't seem to change them", I wrote "I don't like these flaws, but everyone has flaws in their personalities - even the people that you think don't". I then read what I'd written to myself a few times. It feels weird at first, but trust me - it does make you feel a bit better!

3) Do something that physically relaxes you - whatever that might be.

After writing down my thoughts, I did some yoga. Deep, focused breathing and gentle stretches are always good for my mind, and it helped to calm me down before bed. However, what relaxes each of us is different - for some of you, it might be reading a book, or having a warm bath, whereas for others it might be playing a video game or going for a run.

Planning the next few days, and longer-term goals

After I've stopped the initial symptoms of panic, I try to identify potential causes of the relapse and plan some things to do over the next few days to deal with them. This will look different for everyone, depending on your situation, but here's an example of some things that I did!

1) Planning my week of uni.

I wrote down all of the deadlines, tutorials, lectures and choir rehearsals that I could find times for in my bullet journal. I find that it really helps to get your head around a visual representation of your week! I also tried to make note of times that I'd need to start things by - e.g. I had an essay due at 10am on a Wednesday, so I wrote "write your essay today!" on Tuesday.

2) Planning fun/relaxing activities.

I had already been watching Ghosts and the Great British Bake Off with my friends on Monday and Tuesday nights, but I made more of a concerted effort to map out my week in terms of scheduled downtime. At home I'd had a really comfortable weekly routine, so I tried to emulate a few things from that and put them into my week at uni. For example, my favourite evening at home was Sunday, because I would spend them eating cheese & biscuits and drinking red wine with my parents as we watched a murder mystery. So I now watch something on a Sunday evening with a glass of red wine. It helps to keep me oriented within my week! I've been really struggling with feeling like time is slipping away at the moment and having no idea what day it is, so having specific routines (e.g. every wednesday I have chilli) can be useful for marking passing days.

3) Food planning.

When I have bad days, my eating habits always get thrown out of whack. I've also been really anxious about food prep for a potential lockdown, so not having enough food in to last more than a few days has been stressful. On top of all of that, worry about making sure that I'm eating well (getting nutrients, fibre, and enough food) has been something that's consumed my thoughts recently! It took me almost a whole day just to get my head around planning nutritionally balanced food for a week, but it was worth it - I feel much more at ease knowing that I can just look at my spreadsheet and essentially be told what I'm supposed to be eating.

4) Communication.

One of the things that I was most panicked about was annoying my flatmates, especially my two closest friends. The thing that's hardest to live with is doing things that you really hate yourself for doing, and seeing yourself doing them, but being unable to stop them. I was really stressed about them seeing me as permanently being a nightmare to live with! So I dropped a few relatively hefty hints over the next few days that things hadn't been great, hence my behaviour, but that they were getting better.

5) Making an effort to journal when I'm stressed.

I decided to start writing down the things that were on my mind before bed each night if they were bothering me. I really like lists and seeing things laid out before me, so I find this really helpful! I never usually do it unless I'm going through a particularly rough patch, so when I have a relapse I set a reminder on my phone to do it before bed (as it's not a habit, a nudge helps).

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I know that this post has been somewhat of a jumble (which perhaps is fitting, given the state of my mind!), but it's a collection of things that I've personally found helpful in preventing a full-blown relapse. However, every person is individual, so please do leave a comment with any of your own strategies! I'm a firm believer that relapses can be stopped from progressing if we can only get to the point of being able to recognise and take action against them.

This blog was never going to be polished, or wholly academic - I hope that no one minds some of my rambling on here. Also, on another note: I'm trying my hardest to write some more posts, but as you've probably realised from the state of this post, I'm finding it hard to keep up with the essential things in my life (like food, and uni work!), let alone do the extra things - however much I might enjoy them! So thank you for your patience with me (both on here and on Instagram) these last few weeks - hopefully I'll start to be more active on both again, but term can throw some real curveballs so I can't make any promises.

If you read this far, congrats! I hope everyone is staying safe and well.

~ Alice